Taking the Leap

     While I floundered to get past the fear of being seen as a failure, I was lucky enough to be accepted to graduate school with a scholarship in tow. Giving my ever present fear of failure it would seem to be a beacon of salvation in the fog of the future; nonetheless, it didn't feel right. The problem wasn't the program but me. Though I had switched my focus to Chinese instead of Japanese, I was still only reaching out of fear of being a failure. Logic says it is a safe option, a comfortable option, a just as good option; but reality of the situation was that it was an inferior option. I had also applied for the Chinese Government Scholarship, and while it is a risk to try and get it, it offers a greater opportunity to succeed in Chinese. While earning a masters degree in Chinese is impressive from an American University, it cannot compare to the immersion experience that studying in China will give along with a degree.

     

     I felt foolish. "Why give up a scholarship to a university - it is ludicrous! Moreover, you do not have the luxury of falling back on your parents" I scolded myself. Though my mind screamed I was making a mistake by turning down the program my gut knew I was choosing the safe option. I've always heard the adage that one should follow one's gut, but it is awfully difficult if trying to choose makes one's gut ache from indecision.

    In the end my gut won out though it doesn't have anything to show for it as of yet (the results don't come out to mid June). While I would like to tout  my ability to make this decision autonomously, it was only with the encouragement of others that I was able to find the strength to make the ludicrous decision. Be it a roommate who will listen to me whine or a boyfriend who isn't selfish enough to ask me to stay - all helped find the ability to decide what's best for me regardless of the risk involved. Though I've made my decision and am choosing not to ponder the what-ifs, I am curious how others have handled the risk of big decisions in their life. I would love to hear about your own challenges and risks!

A Grounding

     I would not necessarily espouse myself to be a risk taker... in fact, I am quite the planner, along with a lister. I have to-do list from years gone popping up in bags and folders with items uncrossed that I image were completed regardless of me leaving a mark to indicate so. My attempt to make long term plans mirrored my day to day habits with a list of options to pursue piling up; but in reality only wanting a few. As I neared graduation I was assured by parents, peers, and teachers of past and present that I surely would get option A) to teach with the JET program in Japan - they would be crazy not to give it to me! Well as it turns out I guess the official were crazy as I didn't even get an interview. 

  

     I would be lying if I didn't say I was crushed. I broke down for a day and wallowed in my own misery and self-pity. While I, the planner, had looked into options B and C I had never expected that I would have to pursue them. I scrambled, applying to graduate school and study abroad scholarships in hopes of finding a solution to my problem -which in all honesty I didn't quite have an idea of what that problem was at the time.

    

     It would seem that it was an issue of what I would do with my life in the future; but I think the problem was more vain than that in some ways. The problem wasn't occupation, but fear of what my occupation might be and might be seen to be - the fear of being seen as a failure. I had friends who were accepted into graduate schools, in the top programs in their fields, and while I wasn't pursuing graduate school with the JET program I felt it to be equally prestigious since it was a logical and amazing next step in my own field of study. Then suddenly, that feeling of prestige was gone even though I was now pursuing the same route as them. I know this feeling is not original to the human existence by any means but it was original to me. I have never felt like I wouldn't achieve whatever I wanted and be successful by my own definition; but here I was quite strongly sensing that success was only able to be measured alongside my peers.

    This realization was a rough one that took me months to see for myself. Mistaking the fear of failing for fear of being seen as a failure stressed me out to no end and made me waffle around big decisions because of the risk involved. While I wouldn't say I risk as big as some, this modest risk to fail or postpone succeeding is big jump for me- hopefully it is the leap that I will grow from and have stories to share from it later.