Taking the Leap

     While I floundered to get past the fear of being seen as a failure, I was lucky enough to be accepted to graduate school with a scholarship in tow. Giving my ever present fear of failure it would seem to be a beacon of salvation in the fog of the future; nonetheless, it didn't feel right. The problem wasn't the program but me. Though I had switched my focus to Chinese instead of Japanese, I was still only reaching out of fear of being a failure. Logic says it is a safe option, a comfortable option, a just as good option; but reality of the situation was that it was an inferior option. I had also applied for the Chinese Government Scholarship, and while it is a risk to try and get it, it offers a greater opportunity to succeed in Chinese. While earning a masters degree in Chinese is impressive from an American University, it cannot compare to the immersion experience that studying in China will give along with a degree.

     

     I felt foolish. "Why give up a scholarship to a university - it is ludicrous! Moreover, you do not have the luxury of falling back on your parents" I scolded myself. Though my mind screamed I was making a mistake by turning down the program my gut knew I was choosing the safe option. I've always heard the adage that one should follow one's gut, but it is awfully difficult if trying to choose makes one's gut ache from indecision.

    In the end my gut won out though it doesn't have anything to show for it as of yet (the results don't come out to mid June). While I would like to tout  my ability to make this decision autonomously, it was only with the encouragement of others that I was able to find the strength to make the ludicrous decision. Be it a roommate who will listen to me whine or a boyfriend who isn't selfish enough to ask me to stay - all helped find the ability to decide what's best for me regardless of the risk involved. Though I've made my decision and am choosing not to ponder the what-ifs, I am curious how others have handled the risk of big decisions in their life. I would love to hear about your own challenges and risks!