A Grounding

     I would not necessarily espouse myself to be a risk taker... in fact, I am quite the planner, along with a lister. I have to-do list from years gone popping up in bags and folders with items uncrossed that I image were completed regardless of me leaving a mark to indicate so. My attempt to make long term plans mirrored my day to day habits with a list of options to pursue piling up; but in reality only wanting a few. As I neared graduation I was assured by parents, peers, and teachers of past and present that I surely would get option A) to teach with the JET program in Japan - they would be crazy not to give it to me! Well as it turns out I guess the official were crazy as I didn't even get an interview. 

  

     I would be lying if I didn't say I was crushed. I broke down for a day and wallowed in my own misery and self-pity. While I, the planner, had looked into options B and C I had never expected that I would have to pursue them. I scrambled, applying to graduate school and study abroad scholarships in hopes of finding a solution to my problem -which in all honesty I didn't quite have an idea of what that problem was at the time.

    

     It would seem that it was an issue of what I would do with my life in the future; but I think the problem was more vain than that in some ways. The problem wasn't occupation, but fear of what my occupation might be and might be seen to be - the fear of being seen as a failure. I had friends who were accepted into graduate schools, in the top programs in their fields, and while I wasn't pursuing graduate school with the JET program I felt it to be equally prestigious since it was a logical and amazing next step in my own field of study. Then suddenly, that feeling of prestige was gone even though I was now pursuing the same route as them. I know this feeling is not original to the human existence by any means but it was original to me. I have never felt like I wouldn't achieve whatever I wanted and be successful by my own definition; but here I was quite strongly sensing that success was only able to be measured alongside my peers.

    This realization was a rough one that took me months to see for myself. Mistaking the fear of failing for fear of being seen as a failure stressed me out to no end and made me waffle around big decisions because of the risk involved. While I wouldn't say I risk as big as some, this modest risk to fail or postpone succeeding is big jump for me- hopefully it is the leap that I will grow from and have stories to share from it later.